Bambling

Sub-title: Where The Fuck Did I Go
Sub-sub-title: Why The Fuck Do I Feel Like Updating Right Now

I feel like things have happened in the past few months. Not particularly interesting on the face of it, but certain amounts of *gasp* maturity … or at least a false perception of it. I seem to recall summarizing it pretty well a few months back in an email:

Excerpt from email to Gill
I got back into the swing of things and, though I’m still unable to get myself to start writing a paper more than 12 hours before it’s due, I kind of have a feel for what this whole “school” thing is again. Not sleeping enough, spending a lot of time procrastinating, then getting lost in thought over a pitcher of some shitty overpriced beer and ruminating over metaphysics (yes, I’m taking a metaphysics class) for the next few hours.

I’m taking a full load of philosophy courses, which means I have a consistent onslaught of reading I don’t do and thinking about shit waaaay too hard that I can’t seem to help and then I find myself needing to write 5 pages in the next 8 hours and haven’t chosen a topic to write on yet.

Then there’s the photo stuff, which I actually enjoy doing. But the news in Berkeley … well, it’s certainly not the same as Cape Town. When you can go to a several-thousand person rally and actually expect there to be no violence (and then be proven right) … that’s just boring. I mean, it’s cool. But it’s boring.

So what am I doing now (see: procrastinating from now) that makes me feel like updating this thing for the first time in I-don’t-want-to-count-that-many months? I was looking at fellowship applications. Specifically the Dorothea Lange fellowship. Which has in info session in half an hour. Which I want to go to. Which is kind of pointless, seeing as I’m a lowly undergrad who can’t apply for it. Which is bull, but what the fuck am I supposed too do about it.

It’s not that I need the money (though it would be nice). It’s that I want the motivation again. An excuse to constantly shove my nose into nitty-gritty-shitty situations and take pictures.

I was working in People’s Park, but that kinda slowed up what with schedules and some drama and some bullshit. I’d like to jumpstart that. I’d like to jumpstart anything really.

Making through the regular grind is easy enough. Being a student … well, it turns out it’s actually pretty fucking easy when you don’t work 40+ hours a week. I will pass my classes. I will graduate. I will get my shit together and find a way to take pictures. I will finally update my portfolio (oops … fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck).

It’s just a pain in the ass doing the in between.

So my reason for updating (is that what I was getting at?): maybe if I can update this more often I’ll find myself more motivated. Though I doubt it. But fuck it … it’s better procrastination than watching old episodes of SG-1 on Hulu. It won’t always be photos. It won’t always be my work … but at least it’ll be somewhere to organize thoughts. Isn’t that what this whole internet thing is supposed to be about? Self-indulgence?

I’d like to get back to doing what I do well.

Tags: Dorothea Lange fellowship, Hulu, metaphysics, People's Park, Stargate, Zim

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 22:57 and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.